Fri, 08/12/2011 - 5:08pm

Under the Influence of Children - Zombie Mommies

By:  

Nicole Tiller, Guest Blogger

Editor's Note:  We're excited to introduce a new aspect to our blog where we invite guest bloggers to share their experiences in parenting.  This month, we'd like to introduce you to Nicole Tiller, who'll be sharing her off-beat and hilarious take on being UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF CHILDREN!

Zombie Mommies

Lucky Mommy:  Nurse your baby on demand for the first few weeks, after which your baby will learn to self-soothe, and gradually fall asleep for longer stretches.  After a few months, you and baby are both peacefully sleeping through the night.

Zombie Mommy:  Your demon baby gives new meaning to "demand feeding", screaming mercilessly around the clock until you have fed him enough to double his weight.  You are rewarded by refreshing 3-hour stretches of sleep, and can finally say your "baby" is sleeping through the night when she is 4 ½ years old.

When you are at parent and tot gatherings, you may notice certain parents whose babies have not been blessed by the sleep fairy.  Some telltale signs of these "zombie mommies" include:

  • Drooling (the mother, not the baby)
  • Dark, puffy eyes
  • Mumbling incoherently.  This isn't a joke.  I actually cluster-fed my first baby so long that I started hallucinating.  (For those who aren't aware, cluster-feeding is a form of baby torture where the newborn has little drinks every few minutes so that the mother cannot possibly rest).
  • Glaring at or "accidentally" punching parents who gush about how well their babies sleep.

If your baby has been blessed by good genetics, or you are just lucky in sleep, be assured that the zombie mommies are secretly hoping you will pay later when your peaceful baby becomes a teenager and is piercing her nipples or growing marijuana in your basement.  However, there are some basic rules you can follow to befriend the zombie mommy, thus avoiding her negative voodoo.

  • You must never imply that your baby's sleep patterns are a result of better parenting.  Try peppering your conversation with phrases like "I am so lucky..."
  • If you have not had children, you are not qualified to give advice.  Ever.
  • If you have had children, you may only give advice if you have experienced the same problems, or can cite three reputable parenting articles/programs to support your theory.
  • If it becomes apparent that the zombie mommy does not follow the same parenting style as you, cease giving advice IMMEDIATELY.

Failure to follow these rules may result in the zombie mommy ripping off your perky face, and using it as a mask to cover her own tired one.  These rules can be loosely applied to any problems with children, and guide you effortlessly through years of fulfilling parent friendships with your face intact.

Nicole Tiller works in Marketing part-time, and is the mother of two wonderfully crazy kids.  Although she can't blame all her insanity on her children, she loves to share a boisterous laugh about all the unexpected things that happen under the influence of children.